I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.