-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
What?!?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here