Cashiers are always checking me out
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.