my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.