I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Schrödinger’s cookie