If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.