People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
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Sooo many times…..
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.