Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.