Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
i made a craigslist ad !
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
👾👾👾
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”