One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend