[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I feel seen.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.