wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.