My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text