Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Shoo shoo! 😂
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota