If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
At least try to make it slightly believable
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.