Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
that colleague who touches your screen
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king