No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.