People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
what kind of cook setting is this??
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart