Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Lube but for my dry humor.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.