My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.