triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Who says great literature is dead?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.