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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
water it, i dare you
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.