Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
😎 🍻
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.