Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
This is the one
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?