Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I just tested negative for patience.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”