My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”