The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Cool shirt 🙂
Ha
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back