I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.