*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
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If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Those are good neighbors.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend