ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Watermelon Boss!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me too door. Me too.