The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
And bowling should be called pinball
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”