Thinking about Jeff
You Might Also Like
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Breaking news:
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy