I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money