*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery