Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
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