A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Haha! 😂
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl