“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Cool shirt 🙂
Thinking about Jeff
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.