[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Interior design 👌
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no