The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
March 16
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My flabber has been gasted.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
john wicks are toilet candles
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…