Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.