Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
thanksgiving in nutshell
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Message from the dog groomers
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
for all #parents out there
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
new career option?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?