I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.