*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.