People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Breaking news:
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet