Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.