yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
You Might Also Like
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Bring back the McRib
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
those birds must be on payroll
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked