Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*