For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace