I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.