Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.